


A Lesson in Trusting

by Deriveress



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hair Washing, Introspection, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Some angst, Telepathy, Trust Issues, implicit consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26483119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deriveress/pseuds/Deriveress
Summary: After an adventure gone wrong, an emotionally and physically exhausted Doctor tries to drown his guilt in the shower. River does her best to comfort her husband. The only problem is, she misinterpreted his timeline and accidentally forces the Doctor to confront his complicated feelings towards her.Contains lots of introspection over consent, some cuddling, angst and non-sexual intimacy.
Relationships: Eleventh Doctor/River Song, The Doctor/River Song
Comments: 10
Kudos: 58





	A Lesson in Trusting

**Author's Note:**

> For Elo, who recently managed to do something a bit boring (sorry! ;-P ), yet very difficult and adulty. Happy adulting! Also, thanks for being my beta reader and pointing out that the Doctor is not actually sometimes called “the Door”.  
> Elo wanted something slow and also gave me the following prompt: ‘Love is […]’. What it is, you will see in the notes at the end, but it is something River does and proves to the Doctor how much she cares for him.  
> My head canon for Eleven’s sexuality is that he’s both very squeamish when it comes to wording anything (alright, I took Vastra’s words and ran with them for the hills), hence the language used, and also needs a lot of relaxation and trust before he is willing to sleep with anyone, let alone the potentially dangerous River. During the story he is very much trying to steer them away from anything sexual for now because he needs to feel safe with her first. (And River knows that, and complies with it.) So, there will be physical reactions and the Doctor’s mental remarks on them, but it almost completely focuses on non-sexual intimacy.  
> Set somewhere before 'A Good Man Goes to War' from the Doctor's perspective. I'd like to think the kiss in 'Day of the Moon' has already happened for him, but he doesn't allude to that.  
> Thanks for reading through this novel of a “note” and I hope you’ll enjoy.

The TARDIS, in her divine and infinite greatness, had sensed the Doctor’s mood the minute he had stepped aboard. Lights had gradually dimmed on his way to the bathroom and when he opened the door, he was greeted by a welcoming dusk. The darkness was only broken by small green lights on the ceiling, creating an effect reminiscent of a forest as night was setting.

Every step bringing him closer to the shower, the Doctor dropped his clothes as soon as he managed to shed them. Probably unsalvageable anyway. He only stopped next to his goal to step out of shoes and pants. Oh, a shower, what a fantastic, foreign concept! His legs were almost too heavy to step in, his hands trembling as he slid the door closed, and the second warm water started spraying over his body, he found himself collapsing, until he was sitting on the floor, one leg beneath him. It didn’t matter, he wasn’t going to go anywhere for the next… well, however long the TARDIS decided to let him enjoy this.

A deep weariness had settled in his bones, a physical reminder of his emotional exhaustion. He watched the dark swirl of the water, as the hitherto ever-present clingy sand was washed away, not bothering to actually scrub himself. It stuck to his skin, had coloured all their hair red within hours. How long had it been since he had been properly clean? Three, four, five days? He tried not to think of the look on the scientists’ faces when they had realised rescue wouldn’t come for days. The annoyance had quickly given way to dread, when they had realised how few supplies they had taken with them, then to horror once it was clear there really was no drinkable water to be found in their new location. If he ever saw a man drinking his own urine out of a sample cup again, he was going to cry.

The only saving grace had been the Doctor’s slower metabolism, ensuring that he hadn’t needed to dig into their limited water supply. Still, the first glass after they had been freed had tasted like… like… he was too exhausted to come up with a comparison. It had been great, it had been just what he’d needed – physically – and it had given him enough of his composure back to actually give River something resembling a smile.

Ugh, River. She really hadn’t deserved his anger, but she had been the closest outlet in that moment. Of course she couldn’t have known that the miniature bubble universe was temporally fluctuate. The first team had gotten out with only a dilation of 1.7 percent, no reason for her to be concerned about the lack of messages during the first five minutes of the next expedition. No, thinking of her right now was bad. Watching the humans suffer for days, watching Sinlo and Huber slowly die of thirst had been excruciating and he could perfectly remember the second he had shifted the blame onto her shoulders. The horror in her eyes at his words. “What took you so long? People have _died_!” It wasn’t fair and he was going to apologise, but at the moment he wanted nothing more than to sit here in the green darkness, idly watching the water, now somewhat cleaner, flow away from him, hopefully taking some of the heaviness on his mind with it.

He had no tears for the dead, nor for the living, traumatised and humiliated. There was only exhaustion. The steady flow was hitting the back of his head, his bent neck and shoulders, streaming down his body, and then towards the wall in front of him, where it changed directions, flowing to the left. Peaceful. Maybe he could just sit here, without thinking about his guilt towards the exploration team or the enigma that was River Song.

Behind the Doctor, the glass door of the shower opened and he nearly jumped face-first into the wall. For half a second, he felt terribly exposed, fear gripping his stomach, until he remembered that there was only one other person aboard the TARDIS. His fear dissipated, together with his earlier guilt, making room for anger.

The gall of this woman! Sneaking up on him in the bathroom! She had been teasing him so long, constantly implying a future romantic or, at least, sexual relationship and _now_ she thought was a good time to make good of that… promise, threat, whatever it was supposed to be to him? Did she really expect him to have any desire to sleep with her after a harrowing week of watching people die and waiting for her to finally get the idea of teleporting them out? She had always implied to be very interested in the idea of sex with him, but he had never expected her to be so insensitive, intruding on his much-needed time alone, especially with him naked and in the shower!

His whole body stiffened as he felt her approach via the shift in the spray of water droplets on his back. _Naked_ , too. Had she undressed in his _bedroom_? What was she going to be aiming for? His upper body or was she just going to reach around and grip him? It didn’t matter, he was going to let her touch him, then grab her wrist and pull it away with just as much force as needed to keep the moral high ground. And _then_ he was going to lay into her, ask her how she thought this was in any way alright. The words were already forming in his head, swirling around, arranging themselves in a small speech of rage and indignity.

Instead of an immediate touch, there was the sound of a bottle opening and a few seconds later, her hands gently touched his head, curling in his hair, massaging his scalp, accompanied by a comforting smell.

The Doctor, at last lost for words, screwed his eyes shut.

Ah.

 _Of course_.

She had managed to surprise him again.

Which one of them had made the error? Him, answering one of her questions untruthfully by accident or her, misinterpreting his timeline? Because River obviously thought they were far more intimate than they were at this point.

It had been obvious from the start that they were going to have a relationship and his future self would never let her get to know him this much if it was only physical. But at this point in his timeline, they didn’t have this sort of intimacy – _yet_ – and he didn’t know how to feel about it. Being this close, this… domestic with somebody else, someone he didn’t know all that well, felt wrong. His emotions weren’t yet quite where his intellect knew he was heading towards: Trusting River with his whole being. This was too intimate, but at the same time he knew it only was anything because he was going to let her… sometime in the future.

The hands on his head were still massaging in shampoo, scritching the back of head slowly, but with a certain amount of pressure, and he found himself leaning into the contact. This was… very nice. More important, it was new. Just a minute ago, he hadn’t known how much he liked that in this body, but River already knew.

That was it, then. If his future self trusted her like this, then he could start right now and gratefully take the comfort she offered. His future self’s consent had obviously been given, so why not trust him(self) on this? It might even be something she needed, renewing the trust after his hurtful words. Maybe he could apologise with his body first, allowing her this intimacy, before he voiced his guilt. Yes, that sounded like a good idea. He could do this.

The Doctor let out a long sigh, feeling suds running down his face. Immediately, River’s hands were on his forehead, shielding his eyes. The caress tugged at his hearts and he felt his body relaxing even further, his hands on the floor the only things holding him up. There was a soft touch right below his shoulder blades, the stream of water ebbing, and he realised she was kneeling behind him, bent over his curled body. That was River’s belly, touching his back as if it was completely normal for her to spoon him.

He hummed in content and was rewarded with her petting his head and a quick squeeze of his shoulders. Then, the sound of the bottle again. The smell of Summerwood bark filled his nose as River began shampooing his hair again. He should have expected the sand turning to mud and clinging to his hair and to his surprise, the Doctor actually felt thankful it needed a second wash. The gentle scratching on his scalp began again and this time, he could feel her breasts brush over his shoulders when she repeated the motion of shielding his face from the shampoo.

Why had he ever fought against this?

River continued her gentle ministrations on his head even after he was sure the sludge was gone. It had taken most of his emotions and some of the exhaustion with it. “Now” was starting to feel like a concept he could accept and participate in again, instead of clinging to “before”. The Doctor, feeling bolder than ever, mentally reached for her and sent a tiny spark of contentment into her mind. Immediately, he received a warm feeling along the lines of _I’m glad you’re feeling better_ in return. This was most unexpected and at the same time no surprise at all. How could he ever have thought that River was “only” human? Nothing about her seemed to be ordinary; she seemed to reject the whole idea of it. Just as the contact ended, the Doctor could feel a vaster feeling right behind. It seemed she wasn’t very used to doing it, but he was glad that River tried to shield her love for him. He didn’t feel ready for dealing with it.

When her hands finally left him the second time, he could hear and smell her opening another bottle. By now, he was putty in her hands. Let her apply it wherever she wanted, he wasn’t going to argue against something that felt so good, relaxing his muscles and finally letting his mind rest. But River’s touch remained innocent and loving, her hands first scrubbing over his back, then gently tugging on one of his arms until he lifted it, shifting until he was on his knees and a bit more upright.

He let her wash his arms, even lifting them when she slowly neared his armpits. River surprised him again, first by not tickling him and second by faltering once she had run out of places to wash without touching him too much with her own body. It felt reassuring to know how much she respected his boundaries. It was much more intimate than he’d expected himself to allow her, but it felt… right. He could do this. The Doctor took a leap of faith and bent backwards, slightly pressing his back against her front. The feeling of her breasts against his shoulder blades felt good and like an adventure in itself, yes, but he tried to focus on the soothing feeling of her taking care of him. Slowly, River’s arms encircled his body, swishing over his chest.

 _I like that_ , he thought, and suddenly the feeling of her breasts on his shoulders got a very _definite_ meaning, despite the fact he wasn’t going to explore it now. Her hands disappeared for a moment, she applied more shower gel, then they snaked back around him, underneath his arms, to clean his stomach, staying well away from his slightly building interest. And then she hugged him, her hands splayed on his stomach, chin tugged on his shoulder.

The Doctor closed his eyes again, revelling in the feeling of her body pressed against his. It felt… safe. He could have this, knowing there was more to come in the future. He could take it without being scared of opening himself to someone who wouldn’t be this close to him again. He could do this. Slowly, he raised his hands to hers, leaning his head against her wet curls.

River’s face was wet as she nuzzled her nose under his ear, kissing the skin between neck and jaw and leaving her lips there. It felt like a promise of the future. Very, very slowly, still not quite sure what it meant for them, he lifted his right hand to pet her head. Her hair was just as wet as his and the skin under his fingers felt… actually, it felt goosebump-y. He petted her arms, yes, more goose bumps. He had forgotten that warm to him was not necessarily warm to human standards.

Slightly nuzzling his head against hers, the Doctor stretched towards the dials to turn up the hot water. River rose with him, her hands just that tiny bit slower, brushing against him. He jumped, almost jerking the dial to the left, but she had already lifted her hands again. Alright, enough teasing. He was willing to cuddle and he might be willing to do something else later, but the mixture of both was not something he felt comfortable with right now. Too much, too soon. It would be safer to redirect both of their thoughts.

And with that, the guilt returned, running hot through his body like the water on the skin. He had hurt her and here she was, taking care of him.

What could he do to make River feel better?

He didn’t really know her that well. The only things he did know were: River loved adventures, her freedom, fights, and, for some unfathomable reason… him. Maybe it would be enough if he gave her back what she had given him. This was something he could definitely do without feeling overwhelmed. Very carefully, he sent another mental message towards her: The feeling of her hands in his hair.

But she misunderstood; River lifted her hands to his head again, and while he didn’t think he’d grow tired of that anytime soon it was a bit awkward to know she’d let him commandeer him like this without getting anything back. Thankfully, her shifting gave him enough room to turn around and grab the bottle of shampoo on the floor next to her. He knew it didn’t smell like her and he had no idea whether curly hair this long needed some other kind of –

Oh.

This was the first time he was facing her naked and the Doctor faltered, forgetting the bottle in his hand and just staring at her. Even in the green dimness of the shower, he could see so much. River started to smirk, but he couldn’t help it. Her breasts, oh, he wanted to feel them under his hands, gently squeezing, kissing and licking at – he startled again, surely it was rude to think about what he wanted to do with her body after just signalling he was going to wash her hair? He felt heat travel up from his chest towards his ears and River’s smirk deepened.

He felt he didn’t care if she was laughing at him, as long as that meant him being himself made her happy. Goal accomplished. Let her see what she did to him… not that he could have concealed it any longer if he wanted to. It was still nice that River was not averting her gaze from his face. The Doctor gulped, put way too much shampoo in his hand and rose on his knees.

It was a rather awkward position to wash somebody else’s hair. River was sitting on one leg, certainly not trying to make herself taller, but he still had to get up on his knees to ensure he reached all of her hair. This meant that his chest was on her eye level and he mentally begged her not to touch him anywhere untoward. He didn’t know her well enough to be sure she knew he needed time with this. _Please don’t ruin this_ , was all he could think while his fingers massaged her head. Clumsily, probably not as relaxing as when she had done it, but at least he knew he wasn’t hurting her. It was ridiculous, really, how much shampoo one needed to cover that much hair.

This time, it was River who initiated the contact. They tested the connection for a moment, their minds barely touching, her even more cautious than him, before she sent him back his first message. Again, different feelings bled through behind the contentment: love, heartache, sadness, joy over being accepted. The Doctor sat back on his hunches, his hands creeping towards her temples, while he continued the slow, gentle scritching. It was clear she had not much experience communicating telepathically. She probably didn’t even know how much she was projecting. But still, how was he supposed to answer that?

Maybe with the one thing he had decided to give her: Himself. He didn’t need to show her everything, his barriers were way better than hers, but he could give her some of his feelings. Slowly, carefully, he fed into their contact his feeling of relaxation, the bleeding away of tension, his growing desire for holding and being held. And, after seeing her smile, he tentatively sent his fear of getting too close to her, of hurting her and being hurt, his guilt for pushing her away and for wrongfully blaming her.

River’s smile turned sad, but at least she was still smiling, and she slowly lifted a hand towards his face, giving him ample opportunity to turn away before she cupped his cheek. ‘It’s alright, my love. I forgive you.’

For which of them, the Doctor wanted to ask, but instead he sent her how he’d felt when he’d decided to just give in to whatever she wanted from him.

River hummed, smile turning happier again. The tension in their held gaze rose and he was sure he was going to have to kiss her now. He wasn’t sure he was ready for it yet. But again, she knew how to play along with him, swallow down the emotion, put on a mask and let him gather up his courage in the meanwhile. River blinked and then she was her usual self, all smirks and sass. ‘Does that mean you’ll finish washing my hair or do I have to do it myself?’ Oh yes, he could do _that_.

Getting up and settling behind a readily shifting River, the Doctor thought of three very clever remarks and decided to laugh instead. ‘I doubt I’ll do as good a job as you’, he answered truthfully. His voice was thick from his current emotions and the knowledge of what she was going to make him feel one day, but they could both pretend it was because he had been quiet for so long.

‘Well, maybe you will surprise yourself.’ She rocked back against him, and it was a safe kind of touch, an “I like to brush against you”-touch. It felt good, in the way that holding someone’s hand while running (not from some kind of horrible monster, just some mild threat) felt, like hugging a friend, only… more. River knew exactly where his boundaries lay, gently brushing against them now and then, but respecting them all the same. Trusting her was safe. She was witty, she was clever and interesting in a hundred other ways, but most of all, she was _safe_.

To his surprise, the Doctor discovered that not only could he do this, but he was going to thoroughly enjoy opening himself up to the enigma that was River Song.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: ‘Love is… shielding your partner’s eyes from shampoo while you wash their hair’


End file.
